ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Within this place, as you lie awake
You begin to realize your mistake
Darkness surrounds you, you are not alone
Everything you thought is now unknown
Your fears come to life, denying you sleep
Sanity becomes almost too hard to keep
But you hold on, it subsides
You're just happy you're alive
Another night, another day
Hope for tomorrow it will go away
You begin to realize your mistake
Darkness surrounds you, you are not alone
Everything you thought is now unknown
Your fears come to life, denying you sleep
Sanity becomes almost too hard to keep
But you hold on, it subsides
You're just happy you're alive
Another night, another day
Hope for tomorrow it will go away
Literature
Do Not Forget
Burning bright,
Like a fire's light.
The sun appears,
The moon whispers tears.
I raise my eyes,
And forget my lies.
The sun knows all,
I've no way to stall,
This law before,
I wait no more.
Heaven's judge awaits,
I must face my fates.
For in this hour,
I cannot cower.
Forgive my lies,
I apologize.
Forgive my sins.
I am done here,
I face the fear.
For my own hands,
they write new lands.
In my own mind,
I cannot find,
What I believe,
Now many grieve.
I say farewell,
I here have fell.
Into the wind,
I can't rescind.
My arms are spread,
My days are dead.
Good-bye my friend,
This is the end.
A new day will come,
Literature
Don't Die
Darling, I am so shattered,
let's fix this, fix this
before it's too late.
Will this end like all the others?
Will it end at all?
Please, don't let us fall.
If it hurts us, we must feel something.
If it hurts us, we must feel something.
(I don't want to feel numbed
until there's nothing left.)
Heart, please,
don't die in my arms.
Literature
I Bleed
I bleed,
A kaleidoscope of colors,
Joy, mixed with pain,
Anger, mixed with desire,
Passion, mixed with shame
I bleed,
For every tear cried,
By a child, so betrayed
For a woman, so scorned,
For every heart, so torn
I bleed,
For the sins of the father,
Passed on, to the son
At times, I feel the misery of ages,
And so, so alone
I bleed,
For all those lost,
In wars that shouldn't be fought,
For parents whose children are gone,
Their dreams, come to naught
I bleed,
For all the ignorance,
The idiotic bigotry,
We are all truly the same,
But too many are blinded to reality
I bleed,
And I do it every moment I am alive
I do n
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
© 2009 - 2024 Shallow-Abyss
Comments45
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
I will be critiquing this poem on behalf of
<img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/g/r/g…" alt="" title="GrammarNaziCritiques"/>
Firstly, I apologise for the delay in getting this critique to you. We have been incredibly backlogged.
Now, the crit:
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Red"/> ST = Stanza
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="" title="Bullet; Red"/> L = Line
You have asked the following questions:
1. Does it flow?
2. Does it provoke emotion well?
3. General constructive criticism:
1. Does it flow?
Yes. You have managed to rhyme in a non-distracting way and with no forced rhyme. Because of this it flows very well.
2. Does it provoke emotion well?
Personally I would say no. I didn't feel any fear or anything when reading this. It could have used more fear-provoking imagery to awaken the fear within me, but as it stands it simply reads as a good rhyme.
3. Constructive Criticism:
- In the final line, I would change 'for' to 'that' to keep it more grammatically correct.
- I would punctuate this a bit more to indicate where one should breathe or pause, as with it being a rhyming piece it becomes a bit 'floaty' after a while, like recitation.
J